Terence McKenna described psychoactive plants as boundary-dissolving, allowing you (forcing you) to step out of the headset and step back, making it easier to see what has been driving you (the machinery of culture, multigenerational family rules and expectations, career or corporation procedures and ethical codes, capitalistic demands, patriarchal messages or spiritual scripts, impacts of traumatic history or religious dictates or other operating systems that have been downloaded into your psyche).

I think that DMT boundary-dissolving can be at least a metaphor for what happens post-divorce for many of us. We begin to see how the old contracts and assumptions and injunctions influenced us. We see them anew as if they are from a dimension we no longer live in; often they simply no longer apply. Or if we cling to the well-worn stories and repeat the familiar strategies, we eventually come to define insanity. We get crazier and crazier. We feel increasing physical or emotional tension, disorientation, and frustration. It can feel a loss of ego and role stability, which can seem terrifying.

What do I mean by boundaries? That is not the point of this blog, but, to give an example, in couples therapy an individual—in front of their partner—might be encouraged to call their parent(s) to articulate or reiterate a boundary, such as “You have been calling my partner all week, stressing her out with your demands, and stirring up trouble in my marriage. I’m not going to let that continue. I will be the one answering the phone from now on when you call, and I will support my partner and will hang up if you bad mouth them.” This takes emotional maturity and courage and helps clarify that there is a boundary around my marriage that I will not allow anyone to cross; it has the effect of closely joining me with my partner, as if we are sitting in lawn chairs side-by-side and observing the disruptive forces together. Bottom-line, in the assertion of this boundary, I communicate that intrusion is a problem for us, demonstrating commitment to support and protect each other and the marriage.  It communicates that I will no longer operate in the old multigenerational operational programming if it demands loyalty to my parents over my wife. I declare I now live in a different world.

I imagine it is obvious to you that we must establish new borders in all our relationships when we commit to an intimate partner. Equally true, though maybe very unlike psychoactive plant intervention, we must dissolve or at least change expectations and unspoken rules and roles when leaving an intimate relationship to grow into our new life. Contracts and commitments no longer need apply.

Below, I will list some communication skills that I think can be helpful to maintain a differentiated position when you do separate and begin a more individuated life.

First, I would suggest complaining rather than criticizing. Complaints follow the form of “when this happens, this is what I feel.” In contrast, criticisms portray a person as having bad intent (or crazy or psychopathic etc.). “You are doing this because you want to punish me.” That never accomplishes anything other than raising the temperature.

Complaints can work in heart-felt marriages because they promote an empathic response, “I didn’t know you felt that way. Now that I do, I will try not to do that.” Unfortunately, after divorce, complaints often don’t work well. Your ex-partner is not obligated to care. …If you didn’t have influence over them before when you complained, don’t expect a miracle. And be aware, complaints tend to rip off old wounds. “It’s always about you!” or something similar might get triggered… But at least complaining supports honest communication (if you are being honest) and less game-playing.

Another honest form of communication is a cry for help. We all want to feel safe in the arms of another, and, in a committed intimate union, a cry can be helpful when it prompts a partner to respond with loving attention. Unfortunately, after divorce, this also doesn’t work well, because it can feel manipulative. “You are just trying to make me feel guilty…That’s all you ever did in our marriage.”

But, if you can recognize when you are making a cry for help, it can be helpful to inquire (to reflect on yourself) what is going on? Am I overwhelmed? Am I being emotionally manipulative? Am I expecting my ex-partner to respond with loving kindness? If so, then I am barking up the wrong tree. I’d find a different tree, with someone who has no history with you and wants to listen.

One more form of communication involves making a request. Requests are not demands; demands and bullying won’t work unless you can terrorize someone into compliance. But I am not recommending you try that.

Requests must be specific, so the other person knows what you are asking for. Requests are best if they are positive behaviorally, meaning you are asking a person to do something (not asking them to stop something). Asking someone to stop doing something is ineffective for reasons I won’t try to explain here.

Requests seek behavior change but do not resolve longstanding differences. If you do attempt to make a clear request I’d remind you that no one is in this world to live up to your expectations (even if some operating system you have downloaded tells you so), and good luck trying to have much influence on the other person once divorced (that ship has sailed or went up a different tree or whatever).

Requests do have the advantage of being honest communication and they do not presuppose the person cares about you. Business partners must learn to make requests. Divorced parents can make requests. The honest response to a request includes “no.” Or “yes but I would need to make adjustments”. Or a simple “yes.”

So, I am suggesting you avoid long emails. To stay emotionally differentiated, make simple requests. Avoid making a lot of complaints and never criticize unless you want to play the blame game and fight with each other. If you are overly energized emotionally, then figure out what is going on with you before you channel it into an email (is this becoming a cry for help?). Similarly, if your ex sends an email longer than a sentence or two, I’d delete it. That can be a good boundary to maintain.

Boundary setting can be clarifying with an ex-intimate partner, but don’t use them as weapons. “If you send me a long email, then I’m going to post it on Facebook.” That’s just being unpleasant.

Recognizing your limitations can help you and saying no can reduce overwhelm, but do not expect the other ex-partner to have a lot of sympathy. But you do this for yourself any way. Both boundaries and stating limitations (I can do this or I can’t do that) are self-protective and self-loving. You have a right to protect yourself.

Lastly, if your ex-partner is a parent of your young children and you believe they are not acting in ways that are in the best interest of your children (i.e. putting the children in danger), in our culture the only remedy you have is a law-enforcement intervention (My ex is driving drunk with my kids are in the car) or court action (I want to change the parenting plan). That tends to require strong evidence and is a high bar and costs money. But it can be necessary.

If you are interested in this, consider looking up Murry Bowen’s Structural Family Therapy and his levels of differentiation.