I can’t go there. There is no point in going there. I will be overwhelmed. I will look ridiculous, weak and full of self-pity. I will just be pathetic if I look like I am still holding on the past, blaming people who have already died or who radically changed or who were just a product of their time. That is the way men were. That is the way women behaved. Let go! There is nothing productive to be done but focus on the future.

There are many ways to be a director to yourself; and what I say may not feel true to you. That is fine. There are many different ways to live in the world. There are some good therapists and coaches who will encourage a kinder gentler approach than I offer in Heart-drama. I have supported therapists who have wanted to learn to direct psychodrama, and I have seen their client-centered caution. Taking a protagonist off stage who says they cannot continue on, until they (therapist and protagonist) can settle enough to return or not. Meanwhile the audience twists in their uncomfortable seats.

You will face something like this in your own work. You will want to give yourself a break when you start to feel the familiar acute distress. Take a nap. Pay come bills. Do laundry. Prepare a snack. But, before you go where the voice of resistance is advising you to go, ask yourself, what voice is this? And how did we get to this psychological “emergency” where we cannot go on because this voice is so insistent?

What follows are guidelines, in no particular order, if you want to avoid feeding the predator of resistance.

• Do not sit in the seat of someone who abused you.

Role-reversal is a powerful technique. It can quite strangely give you access to more of the experiential territory of another. If we want to deepen our connection with an intimate partner, it can be very helpful to sit in their chair (stand in their shoes). But I warn you that you will short-circuit your ability to know the injury if you stay too long inside the skin of a perpetrator. It is equivalent to putting a shoulder around them, letting the voice of resistance lean in and justify killing the drama.

• Always titrate in and out of the anxiety.

If you stay in distress long enough—flooding with fear— your physiology will, after a long and painful wait, eventually, accommodate, and you will lose energy and become less phobic of the perpetrator. It is a common behavioral method to reduce a phobic reaction; but even then, I would argue that it just creates a different pathway in your emotional system that is likely temporary. Eventually you will feel the full weight of the original wounding, with the old level of anxiety returning over time.  On the other hand, if you feel anxiety and respond by giving yourself permission to exit the stage, you will develop more avoidance. Your body will learn that the way to reduce stress (fear) is to walk away and never pass that threshold again.

• Use recalling frequently, very frequently as you start this self-directed exploration.

In my book Out of Restraints, I discuss “recalling,” which just means remembering moments, flushing them out with all the elements of a memory as best you can (visuals, sensations, feelings, beliefs about yourself). You are seeking states we call mindfulness, or flow, or attunement or sacred. Before you begin a Heart-drama that potentially has a lot of traumatic energy, deliberately bring these recollections on stage, place them (imagine them) within reach and feel free to interrupt what you are exploring at any point and remind yourself of these emotionally regulating moments in time. Then the practice is to use this in the service of the drama, i.e. in order to learn how to stay on stage. As a reliable rule, when your body gets tense, then something unconscious is wanting to run the show, and it will prompt resistance to come to the rescue. Feel the strain in your body, allow it for a time, and then move away for a few minutes. As a metaphor I do not recommend moving off stage (or literally leaving the room where you are doing your reflection) but, rather, settling by recalling. Where did you leave that recalled state? Move there. Immerse yourself. When regulated, always return to the difficult scene, realizing that resistance is trying to kill the drama, and you (Inspired) are stronger than anything resistance can imagine.

• When you end a period of self-exploration, make it deliberate.

I ask, “Does this feel like a place to stop?” But I also listen very carefully to what voice is answering. If resistance responds with “get me out of here,” then settle yourself. Don’t bolt. Go back to recalling. Remember that you will return to this drama. Breathe. Remember what you are wanting to achieve by this work. Allow an intermission, not an ending. Expect that this is a process you are learning and expect that it will be messy, but it will get more focused and beneficial with practice.