The Neuro-gravitational Force of Self-deception—

I saw the best minds of my generation,

destroyed by madness, starving hysterically naked,

dragging themselves through the negro streets at dawn looking for an angry fix.”

Allen Ginsberg. Howl 

 

Like the Abnormal energies of a facade, or like Pain’s simmering or sudden outburst, Self-deception is a force from our emotional underworlds. It pushes us to chase people, places, and things that feel good (or help us feel less bad) but don’t benefit us and don’t Enlarge us. They do not EXPAND us.

The core of Self-deception needs to be understood beyond what we normally think of as addictions. Here we can include compulsions, fetishes, sexual drama, even unrealistic positive perceptions.  Self-deception is a gravitational drive in our psyche that can be as well developed as Pain. Because we’re mammals that can think in extraordinary ways, we have an astonishing ability to deceive ourselves (rationalizing, minimizing, excusing, and denying) as we focus on what feels good or better.

Of course, I hope you do have people, places, and things that can be gratifying, pleasing, diverting, and, in fact, do help you grow. Many pleasures do serve a purpose. But all of us, also, have problematic pursuits that often remain unacknowledged. For a time, any pleasurable endeavor feels delightful and is largely under our own volition. But, eventually, some of those pleasures fatten and grow enormously, becoming another demanding pull in our nervous system. By repetition, neural networks in our brain deepen with similar events . . . layering pleasures . . . to form a robust neuro-gravitational state of Self-deception.

For instance, drinking alcohol invites social connection, friendships, and it also helps us feel calm (particularly important if you suffer any social anxiety), and creates opportunities for sex (partying, being wild and crazy), and a sense of freedom. We try it. We find this is an elixir we have been longing for. But just as trauma upon trauma will deepen a neuro-basin of Pain, pleasure upon pleasure can deepen the positive feeling and energy in a basin of Self-deception. Different “feel-good” states get all mixed powerfully together.

Because Self-deception can exist as energies that are cut-off from our conscious awareness, dissociated from Pain, it is not something we can talk ourselves out of. As Self-deception evolves into a more and more potent memory network that we get “triggered into,” it is quite like activating a traumatic memory. We can find ourselves suddenly “in it.” Taken over. Lost.

Some common vehicles for self-deception are listed below. Check off what you think to be true.

Self-Deceptive Compulsions or Addictions:

___ Food compulsion to overeat.

___ Food compulsion to diet or excessively focus on losing weight.

___ Obsession about a relationship that’s painful or destructive.

___ Compulsive working (workaholic).

___ Compulsive focus on a hobby or activity.

___ Compulsive physical exercise.

___ Compulsive computer surfing or texting.

___ Addiction to nicotine.

___ Addiction to marijuana.

___ Addiction to alcohol.

___ Addiction to cocaine, heroin, or other illegal drugs.

___ Addiction to prescribed medications for anxiety, depression, ADD, or pain.

___ Addiction to sugar, chocolate, or other sweets.

___ Compulsive sexual behavior (affairs, masturbation, pornography).

___ Compulsive gambling.

___ Compulsive spending or shopping.

___ Excessive focus on physical flaws.

___ Obsessive focus on social media or gaming.

As in pain, our thinking changes when we’re triggered into self-deception.

Self-Deceptive “Idealized” Thoughts May Be Something Like:

____ This person, place, or thing makes me feel great (relieves my distress).

____ I feel powerful when I do this or take this substance (feel less insignificant).

____ When I bully you and you give in, I feel important (feel less unimportant).

____ I’m in control and secure when I get my way (less out of control or helpless).

____ This acting out calms me down, and I deserve it (because I work so hard or put up with so much).

_____This job, this relationship, this amount of money or prestige makes me special (or less unworthy).

____ I know I’m loved if I only weigh this much or if my body looks like this (feel less unattractive and lovable).

____ I feel safe and capable if I isolate and avoid other people (less fearful of appearing inadequate).

____ This sexual activity makes me energized (less exhausted or empty).

____ If I look good to these certain people (family, friends, colleagues) then I’m worthwhile (feel less worthless).

____ I’m relaxed when I can avoid taking on any challenges (less fearful of being evaluated).

____ I feel more creative when I get high (less bored and numbed out).

____ When I take this substance, I feel sexually at ease and sexy (or less uptight, less inadequate or fearful).

____ I’m special when I don’t have to do what other people do (feel less pressured or disrespected).

____ I look strong when I’m unaffected and push down my emotions (feel less weak and impotent)

____ I feel more creative and focused when I’m by myself (less worried about being myself).

____ I feel more productive when I don’t sleep, eat, take time off, exercise etc. (less vulnerable)

____ I’m important because of what I do or what I’ve(less unworthy).

____ I feel smarter and more significant when I dismiss you and let you know I don’t care what you think (so I’m less able to be hurt).