The first stage of a Heart-drama involves warming up, with the goal to activate an “act hunger” as it is called in psychodrama. Since this is a self-directed exploration, feel free to reflect on whatever comes to mind and go beyond whatever I might suggest. In the warm-up, we consider our life experience in new ways, hopefully stirring up some emotional energies that can then provide fuel for a more directed and sustained reflection. In this example, I am presenting a simplified version of the Circumplex Model of Marital and Family Systems. This is attributed to David Olsen developed in 1989, and it forms an important dimension in the Prepare/Enrich assessment, which I think is the best couple’s assessment available. Just for transparency, I am a trained facilitator for Prepare/Enrich.

Here, for a warm-up, I would suggest doing a “floor check.” Write out the 5 positions I have listed on the slide and place them on the floor around you. Breathe a couple of times, and then go as far back as you can remember and consider (guesses are good places to start) what best describes your family of origin in light of these two dimensions: emotional connection and structure.

Consider the family you were born into. This reflection may not be easy. There may be complications or exceptions. You may already sense that your family changed over time or several times. Begin anyway.

Some families are emotionally shut down, and so there is little or no way for a member to communicate how they feel. You might notice some people were allowed to express themselves, for example anger could be displayed by parents or by males, but there was little range in the expressions. Or maybe only females were permitted to express compassion and joy. Or there was a complete No-talk rule in the family about feelings.

Some families are emotionally volatile, where members will rocket from one highly energized emotion to the next. Or members are so emotionally enmeshed that you are not allowed to feel different from the group. People are constantly checking in with others to see how they should feel. In these families there may be little awareness that beliefs are not the same as emotions.

Next consider the dimension of rules, roles and expectations. Some families have very clear scripts for holidays and family rituals (what time you eat, what gifts are required, what patterns repeat time after time), and these may carry over long into adulthood and create some tension in new marriages if expectations are different. Who gave voice to the ways things are supposed to be? How were transgressions handled? Who enforced the expectations and how? Where did rules and roles derive? Can you discern the role(s) you played and why?

Consider if you feel some loyalty issues arising as you do this exercise. Maybe you are thinking, My parents did the best they could etc. Remind yourself that this isn’t about finding fault but facilitating greater understanding. If you think your family demonstrated the “healthy” center dimension in this diagram—flexible and connected—explore further. Consider issues of Harmony, Balance, Leadership, and Growth.

Some further thoughts…If a family has little emotional connection and is chaotic (with few expectations), young people tend to leave early because there is nothing holding them there.

If a family has little emotional connection but a lot of rules and rigid roles, then young people tend to stay involved in the family but feel unseen and full of shame.

If a family is emotionally glommed together but chaotic, young people may feel good about themselves (even ego-inflated) but end up in prison because they resist following rules.

If a family is emotionally enmeshed and rigid about expectations, then a young person may find it very hard to differentiate themselves as individuals.