V. Deconstructing the Fall

“Much have I travel’d in the realms of gold

And many godly states and kingdoms seen.”

                                       John Keats, On First Looking into Chapman’s Homer

I wonder how many of us can recognize the Inspired Energies and the characters I have just portrayed. More, I think, will recognize roles and the matrix of roles that construct our social persona. As we move this persona around in society, like an avatar, stories get told about us. These are not necessarily the tales we would tell if we thought we had permission to be open, vulnerable, and fully honest. But—disclosing our self or “finding our self”—that sounds like the kind of thing a life coach tries to sell us. Or a guru proposes, while organizing a trip to the Burning Man Festival where we can experiment with Ayahuasca. Or it’s just part of an ad for a diet supplement, empty marketing that fades into the background by its repetition. Or “having the courage to reveal our core identity” is another misty-eyed post on a social network, by lonely people trying to feel less self-loathing.

Do you have these thoughts? Most of us, sophisticated as we are in our Fallen world, know what’s up, or at least we know what’s not up. We know ourselves to be the real deal waiting just for our chance to become an elite. We are the unmoved movers even as we sit in our work meetings, looking interested enough to not attract our boss’s attention. The orienting response is helpful for prey in the wild, as it turns eyes reflexively toward any predators in motion. And, so, we too keep watch on the modern-day predators. Not wanting to attract their notice, we can become frozen, waiting for this godawful confab to end so we can return to our grind of constant interruptions.

Or maybe you are the one they call Mr. Fierce or the Intense One, the person who puts more points on the scoreboard than anyone else?

Wherever you are in the hierarchy, you know that setting forth on the journey to find our True Self is not realistic. We scorn such self-indulgence and magical thinking openly, even if we nevertheless revel in fantasy, secretly, of more freedom, of being on an adventure that is worthy of our life.

Our personal mask reminds us in the morning mirror that we are strong; good to go for another day, even if we must ignore the mounting waves of overwhelm. One day at a time, we keep a tight grip on any fears or grief or rage that wants to bubble up. We focus on Reality. We have a family of some kind that expects things (or once expected things), and we have obligations, responsibilities, etc. We all know we are defined by what we do, and by what we don’t do, by what we think, and by what other people think of us. Welcome to the 21st Century. Can’t wait for the A.I. to take over.

In the back of our minds, where we would rather not look, we might suspect something is amiss. But that is too much to consider. Maybe later. Many in old age, or once we get wealthy enough to do something else with our clock time. How much do the financial experts say we need in the bank before we retire? 2 million? 3 million? In any case, what is missing is elusive, it would be difficult to put into words, and we have all found a way to cope (because that is what we must do) by working too much or eating too much or drinking too much or by finding a monster for a romantic partner who keeps us sufficiently distracted.

If you are fine with that, then you are fine. There are many ways to live in the world. Do continue. However, if you are starting to hear a growing polarity in those inner voices, then you might be warmed up to do some work. If you have noticed your self-talk says something like, “I must suck it up. But I just can’t stand it anymore,” then I may be writing this for you. If you have reached a moment—maybe many such moments—when you suspect your existence is an inescapable trap, even if you can’t exactly explain the mechanism that pins you. Perhaps you have been shaken enough by financial uncertainties, or political uncertainties, or wild fires or hurricanes or because folks around you seem to have enthusiastically embraced insanity, and you have peeked behind the matrix, or you begin to feel like one of those lesser gods of myth, the one who has been tripped up, stripped of hopes and dreams and of all their supernatural powers. Perhaps the pandemic frayed many of the familiar routines, and you have been struggling against returning to the same restraints, the constant reward-and-punishments games.

Or maybe you are just exhausted. If not exactly broken open, you’re ready for something more authentic, alive, deeper, richer.

Taking the stage

Consider this an invitation to take the stage and to spotlight what has been hidden behind the curtain. Until we know what performances we have been enacting and how we ended up in this particular drama (what we might affectionately call our life), we can’t discern if these are the roles we want to play or to even imagine a more masterful tour de force that would be worthy of our life.

Full disclosure—I’m not presenting a magical solution here, nor selling a workbook. I offer Heart-drama as something to consider if you want to transcend the pedestrian or rigid paradigms (within or around) that trap you. At the very least, I believe you could elude the more moronic notions and soul-destroying nonsense that passes for insight on social media. It might help you to refuse the scripts written by your families, playgroups, and workplaces. At its best, Heart-drama invites you to discern how you’ve been injured and enslaved without ever signing a consent form. It can help you gain clarity about the Barriers and the personal Work you need to do to find a more creative path.

Book One: Fallen Divinity