The Outcast
Fearful, Exposed, Lost
Some individuals experience a mismatch wherein the nervous system appraises the environment as dangerous, even when it’s safe. This mismatch results in physiological states that support fight, flight, or freeze behaviors. Steven Porges, The Polyvagal Theory
How do I get out of here?
This girl is lost in a dark forest but cannot call out as she knows it is never safe to cry for help or express a full range of her powers or to even show herself in a clearing.
She has many names, Rebel, Scapegoat, Derelict, Migrant, Deplorable Vagrant, Exile, Untouchable, Identified Patient, Truth-tellers, Persecuted. Whatever names she goes by, she will tell you she has been cast out, abandoned and terrorized and disowned—and those experiences may all be true—but she has also learned to be prickly, defiant, self-reliant, and dismissive. She will injure those who try to save her.
She has adapted. Having no place to belong, she rejects the rules, settling with the role of the black sheep and the runner. Since dashing off feels safer, she is incapable of staying in one place.
Why this painting?
Beneath the disguises, all trauma, especially childhood trauma, speaks a demoralizing tale. Our personal largely unconscious myth (residing in our bodies, gut, heart) has a bottom line that we are flawed, and the world is blatantly hostile. Ignored or exposed to ridicule, treated poorly.
We may find both the Burdened and the Outcast with shared feeling of abandonment, in coalition with each other, for forming a clear polarity. When we begin to name their difference, we notice, whereas the Burdened implodes, seeking to be invisible and complies to hide their Pain, the Outcast acts out, making her rebellion known. Sometimes passive aggressively, often by pointing fingers, she challenges the status quo.
With adolescent energy, we see her chronically defying people, places and things to give her life meaning.
We might see the Outcast vacillate between clinging to someone or pushing the other away (or swinging back and forth between being detached and enmeshed). We might see her people-please or shut down or act disorganized and impulsive or become preoccupied with a Self-deceptive “solution” that provides some fleeting sense of connection but numbs her to her Heart’s longing to be loved; she expects at any moment the Monster of Rejection to appear. It is exhausting to live in such tension. And, so, we understand why Outcasts are always keeping an eye on the door, always ready to escape, and may decide that it is easier to alone rather than repeat the shameful experience of being discarded.
Inside out:
“I can do nothing right.”
Rejecting the fawning and submission of the “good girl,” she goes to an opposite, growing insolent, rebellious, self-contained, and isolated. Often the Outcast believes exposing vulnerabilities is endangering her life.
If she is ever trapped by a compelling attraction to another, she will slip under the influence of Playing at Love; painfully trying to enact the Lover’s role, unconsciously seeking deep connection, but such human relations and related rituals become strained (and often strange) performances until the curtain closes, often abruptly.
If the Outcast can settle enough, stop pointing fingers long enough for her story to unfold on the Heart-drama stage, we learn that she is filled with a deep, inexpressible sadness. Like any unwanted child, head downward facing, cheeks full of unfallen tears, her monologue centers on unworthiness and rejection and how others are continually judging her.
If this is your drama, then of course you are finding it hard to trust. Give yourself the time to get to know someone before you rely on them. Though your Heart may want to desperately attach, or your head may be diagnosing red-flags everywhere and focusing on finding escape hatches, slow down. Consider if there is anyone who can help you discern what is real from what is fear, perhaps a therapist, or someone who accepts you without judgment.
Facing our fear is how we grow but the Outcast’s vulnerability is measured by baby-steps. She moves in increments. And it is always a dance. A step forward. A step back. Keenly alert to the moves of the other. Until the Heart can settle in the assurance that her partner is not going to leave her alone in the cold forest.
Upside down:
In a society where inner children are wounded and Outcast, neglected, abused, Truth is replaced by false-assurances and hardened heart. To be authentic requires that we remain in touch with ourselves, experiencing the full range of our suffering and joy. When we lose our reality, our “felt sense” of belonging, then we feel chronically uncomfortable in our own skin.
Surrounded by Outcasts, we have become a society of shallow avoiders mirroring each other, a funhouse with all the distorted mirrors but without the fun. If you are trying to be in a relationship with an Outcast, even a causal relationship, then trust your instincts. And give yourself permission to leave when you are done with the games. You cannot fix them. They can heal but you can’t do this for them. Indeed, the more you chase an Outcast, the farther they will run and the more they will view you as a predator. Remember that this is not about you.
