Beyond Unconditional Love: Discernment

Discernment

Inquiry, Attention, Honesty

 

I carry your heart. I carry it in my heart. e. e. cummings

As they are self-governing, foxes naturally let their partner live free. But together they are also practicing the art of intimacy and have slowly raised the threshold of what they can tolerate without losing their forest ground or flipping their furry lids. They are innately compassionate and have the Capacity for Unconditional Love. But beyond that, they have developed Discernment.

This has taken work. Over time committed to Powerful relational practices, they find it easier to dip in and out of connection, to know internal disturbances without getting completely flooded or caught up in loops of negative self-appraisal. They both can be with their own suffering and admit to their own Self-sabotage. But they are also seeing their partner more clearly, and finding it easier to assertively express, often with a little nip, “This is a problem for me.”

Brilliant Lovers, they know they are striving to build a foundation of trust and mutual respect. But they are also honest and open and willing to make difficult decisions if this relationship no longer serves their needs. Thus, these foxes encourage us not only to Love but to attend with careful consideration and insight. This requires being perceptive as a fox.

Why this painting?

The Lover shows up with a capacity anchored in Unconditional Love but moves beyond it. For a response to our lives that is honest—not impulsive, not someone else’s action, not a judgment of the intellect but attentive to what is True and Beautiful for her, we need Discernment.

The point is that Unconditional is not Love’s finish line. There is another level to reach, another Capacity that is equally important for Lovers, and harder to grow. It involves paying attention to red flags or warning signs that may indicate challenges such as dishonesty, lack of respect, controlling tendencies, or a pattern of unhealthy communication. Rather than ignoring or dismissing these signs, Discernment means to consider their implications for the future of the relationship.

However, we can’t lose Unconditional Love, or we will never be discerning. Instead, we will wither into nonsense judgments and play the blame game until we are hard pressed to differentiate projection of our fears and arrogance from what is real.

Inside-out:

Paradoxically, once we see the other in Love, we can begin to lose our ability to perceive. We tend to see what we wish for or to see only them in the best light. Thus, Discernment requires a deep understanding of oneself and one’s own needs, values, and boundaries even after we “fall in love.” It involves staying Inspired enough to identify and articulate what is important in a relationship, such as trust, respect, heartfelt communication, emotional support, and shared values. By having a clear understanding of our own needs and desires, we can better assess whether a potential partner aligns with those needs and whether the relationship has long-term potential.

Any Ritual we create to interrupt and replace old patterns must be grounded in the Lover’s Love and, simultaneously, anchored in what is right for you; become this Lover who can clearly answer the question, “Who will grow with me?”

Upside-down:

Inspired Power is the capacity to make changes, to disturb, to make something different happen. But it never takes command of others or uses weapons, not seeks to offend. That is a sign of ego exercising domination and supremacy, and such power to control is not Inspired. That’s self-centeredness. It’s about one person’s perspective and expectations. It feeds conflict.

Powerful Work is about having an agency in relationships, not masquerading to look strong or justifying abuse or playing nice. In Loving-Playful-Work, our real strength is used with skill and flexibility and empathy to promote mutual blessings. Have you ever considered becoming an anarchist for the sake of healing and growth? Taking a stand against keeping secrets for bullies, refusing to be quiet about the lies we all are required to keep for our jobs or relationships (though that is not explicitly stated in the HR handbook, meeting agenda, nor marital vows). Are you still enough of a rebel of Love to declare, “I will not find peace by the capitulation to my worst angels nor, more degrading, for the worst angels of anyone else? So don’t tell me your gossip because I won’t keep it, and I certainly won’t whisper it like it is something more important than the horse manure I know it to be. Not in the name of hierarchies, or self-important legacies, nor for a few more dollars in my paycheck nor to protect your prejudices nor for a marriage that requires my silence. I won’t join anyone’s preadolescent flag waving of any stripe or colors. I won’t wear the shirt and cap, and I won’t participate in mandatory humilitation nor compete against the other animals at the slaughterhouse.” Of course, you might want to tinker with the language.

In the Upside-down, if we are to any chance to live the life we imagine, then we need to Discern who is around us and who we bring close and who we remain with. And to maintain boundaries to protect our Truth. A common example of blinding yourself and calling it unconditional love is staying in passionless unions (if they can even be called unions). Some decide it’s time to settle down (the biological clock ticking) or make decisions solely on financial considerations—marrying someone because of a large income or other assets—or they drift into a relationship along the path of least resistance. A few intentionally choose a person who does not attract them in a powerful way, hoping that this provides some emotional control, or at least less loss of control. Unfortunately, if you start with little or no joy, how likely is it that you will grow together?

If there was real joy at the start, too many of us allow a sobering effect. Passion leaves our system. It can be gone in an acute white-knuckle withdrawal, or titrate slowly, taking decades to drain away. We ratchet lower and lower our expectations, as intimate behaviors get less focused, loving thoughts less inspiring; and compassion is less, eventually devolving into a relationship that we never imagined we could tolerate. Stay awake!

Autumn Jewels

She is a bouquet of a dog

Her body arranged into a dozen

Black wildflowers of fur grown out

Of this Vase of Fall.

A lustrous season is not container

Enough to hold her, spilled

Into her play in the descent

Of these leaves in the gamboled

Breeze and the withered light.

But sometimes I grieve

For all of us, the way we’re

Such bold and foraging

And fragile sweet souls.